After one year

On October 23 it had been a year since Mom's passing.  It is hard to comprehend that an entire year has gone by.  Much has changed and yet so much is the same.
The Sunday that she passed was the last Flag Football game of grandson Dylan.  This year at the last flag football game I was emotional out of the blue.  I had planned to be busy on the 23rd to avoid thoughts of her death but I was ambushed by sadness at the football field.  It was gratifying to have my children and grandchildren around me on that day.  I know Mom would have been proud of all of us.
My sister recently went to medium and heard from Mom.  She and Dad are together, she wanted to know what happened to the Crown Royal bag of coins.  We had divided them into equal portions for all of Mom's children and grandchildren.  The medium said that she was pleased to know that we had them.  The strange part of that is that these coins were silver dollars, half dollars and $2 bills that my Dad had saved from the cash register at our restaurant.  Mom had fussed for months, if not years, over what to do with the coins.  She would sort them over and over again and they would fall to the floor making a clatter all the time.  I eventually removed them from her room because we got tired of hearing them hit the floor and picking them out of food and stuff.  they were indeed in a Crown Royal bag.  She never seemed to miss them once I took them from her room. Apparently she didn't really stop worrying about them.
I need to find out more from my sister about what the medium said.  This woman has been very tuned in to each of us that has gone to her.

Moving on

Last week Mitch Albom wrote a column about missing his mother, she is alive but had a stroke and can't speak to him. The article hit home with me because he said he was sure she was "still there" and he wondered if she could comprehend what was said to her, if she remembered the family and events.
As I was taking care of my Mom there were many times when I felt overwhelmed and shamefully annoyed that she couldn't grasp simple tasks like using her walker or a pen or fork. Some days she spoke gibberish and put her clothes on upside down and backwards and insisted she was right. On the occasions that she would correct my grammar or mention a family member by name I would take comfort "that my Mom is still in there somewhere".
It has been months now since her passing and I no longer wake in the night hearing her moving about or screaming, it is getting easier to go to the grocery store and seeing the items that I used to buy just for her. I have cleared the salmon that she loved from my freezer but her books are still on the bookshelf in "her" room.
I feel her presence, particularly when I am at my daughters house. Mom was never there, it was purchased with the inheritance money from her estate, but I know she is there with us as we transform this vacant property into a home for Amy and Kaiti. My Dad is with us as well. I feel they are a unit now like they really never were on earth.
The feelings that I failed my Mom are starting to subside, I know in my head that I did the best I could but the what ifs weigh heavily on my heart.