Moving on

Last week Mitch Albom wrote a column about missing his mother, she is alive but had a stroke and can't speak to him. The article hit home with me because he said he was sure she was "still there" and he wondered if she could comprehend what was said to her, if she remembered the family and events.
As I was taking care of my Mom there were many times when I felt overwhelmed and shamefully annoyed that she couldn't grasp simple tasks like using her walker or a pen or fork. Some days she spoke gibberish and put her clothes on upside down and backwards and insisted she was right. On the occasions that she would correct my grammar or mention a family member by name I would take comfort "that my Mom is still in there somewhere".
It has been months now since her passing and I no longer wake in the night hearing her moving about or screaming, it is getting easier to go to the grocery store and seeing the items that I used to buy just for her. I have cleared the salmon that she loved from my freezer but her books are still on the bookshelf in "her" room.
I feel her presence, particularly when I am at my daughters house. Mom was never there, it was purchased with the inheritance money from her estate, but I know she is there with us as we transform this vacant property into a home for Amy and Kaiti. My Dad is with us as well. I feel they are a unit now like they really never were on earth.
The feelings that I failed my Mom are starting to subside, I know in my head that I did the best I could but the what ifs weigh heavily on my heart.

Ruthellen Edge Crawford

My Mom, God Bless her as she enters the kingdom of our Lord. God Speed Mom you are missed very much.

My Dad, Richard Alan Crawford

My Dad was our family rock. He passed in 1996 and now my Mom has joined him. I miss my Daddy like it was yesterday and sure could use one of his hugs right now. I am glad he is there to great Mom and take care of her, she has been through way too much these last couple of years.

Nearing the end

My Mom's life is coming to an end, sooner rather than later. I sit by her bed and I can only hear the breath coming and going from her open mouth. I try to shut her mouth but it just comes open again on its own, she does not have control of her muscles to shut it nor does she know it is open. My first thought is that she will get a sore throat but it occurs to me that she won't know that either. Her lips are dry, I put some cream on them to keep them soft but she doesn't know.

Two days ago I could hold her hand and she would squeeze mine, lightly but a squeeze non the less. Now her arms are stiff and her hand feels soft and supple and warm but she does not know I am holding it. Her face is free of worry and her skin seems so soft and smooth, her cheeks are sunken and her eyes have not opened in days, maybe a week or more.

The hospice people have asked me if she has any congestion but she doesn't, I think they are asking if she has started "the death rattle" but they don't want to call it by that name. She has not but her breath does seem deeper and faster than it was yesterday. I was told that her breathing would change and I thought I listened but now I am not sure what I heard.

This is so very hard.

My husband is here with her during the day while I work. It is hard to be at work but it is hard to be here as well. Part of me does not want to leave her and another part needs to be busy and away from here.

I find myself praying for God to take her and then I pray she will live. I really only need to pray that she will know how very much I have loved her, she has been an incredible woman. The stories are endless...........

I did know what I was getting into when Mom came to live with us, at least I want to beleive I did. Some where in my mind I thought that with her meds on time and her nutrition needs monitored that she would get back to being my Mom eventually. Alas it has been fifteen months and this has not come to pass. We do still see some "good days" but they are more like "good hours" or even minutes.

Mom still knows who I am most days but is not sure where she is or why she is here. She talks of "going home" a lot. I used to think she meant her house to live by herself again but lately I have come to think she means home to God. Some times when she is most lucent she will tell me she loves us all and them asks God to take her. This can be some what disturbing but I try to understand that in those moments she understands what her life is now and is just done.

It is not often that I can get her to go out side but when I do she seems to enjoy it and is not in a hurry to come back inside. She really does not take pleasure in much of anything anymore. My little Grand nephew being the exception to that statement. She seems to light up when Deacon is in the house but at fifteen months he is quite entertaining and he loves his "Granny" with unabashed vigor. The other Great grandchildren are loder and they see a Granny that is different than the one they have known.

Mom's 82nd birthday is coming this thursday and I am apprehensive since I have heard that people that are nearing the end tend to die within three days of events like birthdays. I am not ready to have her pass, are you ever ready for losing someone? I know she will never be more than what I have now but sometimes I still see my Mom in the tiny shell of her that is now living in my home.

The alzheimers seems to be getting worse daily and I am not sure what we will do. I am sure there are going to be some decisions made in the near future. Mom has started to babble incoherently every evening and has had a couple of violent episodes. I have not been at work for a while so I have been here to care for her in ways that my husband just is not equipped to handle. I did not think we would have to deal with this so soon.
It is so very sad to see someone so smart reduced to this

Mom seems to be settling in now. She has found places for most of the stuff she brought from my sisters house but still has more to bring. Finally she has realized that she has one room and that it is not my room. The first week she would nap in our bed, even told the boys to get out one day when they were watching TV. We still find things in the wrong places and some of our stuff still finds its way into her room but we just put it back where it belongs and go about our business.
As I walked into her room the other day she was unpackiing some boxes and there was a book from our trip to Washington DC in 1963!! It is a book that Jacqueline Kennedy had done about the history of the White House, I loved that book as a child and I am delighted that she has it especially since I am planning a trip to DC with my grand daughter this summer. The strange thing about this is that my Mom has moved no less than ten, maybe twelve times since that trip to DC. Her belongings have gone from large four bedroom homes to a tiny condo to a 1000sq ft home to two rooms at my sisters and now to one room in my home - How is it that this particular book has made it through all these moves???
Since she has been at our house she has had only two full blown "panic/anxiety attacks" that I am aware of and she has had only three Zanac tablets. Now I do not attribute this to our care of her but more to her seeking attention. When she was at my sisters house she would have several a week, sometimes more than one or two a day. These attacks seemed to coincide with when Amy would be ready to leave the house. I don't really believe Mom did this conciously but none the less I think they are attention driven. We had to leave her alone one day this week for a couple of hours and she was screaming and hitting the wall when my husband came home, a Zanac calmed her down and she was fine soon after.
We had a visit from Mom's brother, my Uncle Tom this week. It was very nice to see him but Mom was some what confused and had a hard time following his conversation. They sat outside in the warm sun for a while and she seemed to be able to converse with him for a while. After he left she thought that it was her Dad that had been to visit.
Mom craves sweets and likes to eat every two hours or more. We try to get protien into her as much as we can along with fiber and fruit. I am trying to curb her intake of chocolate as I have determined that the caffiene affects her mood, it makes her weepy and if she has too many sweets she gets shakey and then wants more pills.
This is truly a learning process and Terry and I are working to keep her happy and healthy. My husband is an absolute saint!!