Nearing the end

My Mom's life is coming to an end, sooner rather than later. I sit by her bed and I can only hear the breath coming and going from her open mouth. I try to shut her mouth but it just comes open again on its own, she does not have control of her muscles to shut it nor does she know it is open. My first thought is that she will get a sore throat but it occurs to me that she won't know that either. Her lips are dry, I put some cream on them to keep them soft but she doesn't know.

Two days ago I could hold her hand and she would squeeze mine, lightly but a squeeze non the less. Now her arms are stiff and her hand feels soft and supple and warm but she does not know I am holding it. Her face is free of worry and her skin seems so soft and smooth, her cheeks are sunken and her eyes have not opened in days, maybe a week or more.

The hospice people have asked me if she has any congestion but she doesn't, I think they are asking if she has started "the death rattle" but they don't want to call it by that name. She has not but her breath does seem deeper and faster than it was yesterday. I was told that her breathing would change and I thought I listened but now I am not sure what I heard.

This is so very hard.

My husband is here with her during the day while I work. It is hard to be at work but it is hard to be here as well. Part of me does not want to leave her and another part needs to be busy and away from here.

I find myself praying for God to take her and then I pray she will live. I really only need to pray that she will know how very much I have loved her, she has been an incredible woman. The stories are endless...........